Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
