so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
