i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
