That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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