wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Randomize
