I think I won the penis lottery.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
if only i could text you this smell
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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