girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
