I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
