chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
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