I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
