it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
