If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
