I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
