I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
