just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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