bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
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