Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
