I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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