Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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