So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Life is so much better after having sex.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
