so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
