I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
