I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
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