I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
we're making bets on your personal life
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
