I murdered the dance floor call the cops
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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