the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
