i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
