No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
