Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
