i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
