true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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