You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
So much rum. So many feels.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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