he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
