I am puke
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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