if i can run in heels then i can drive
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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