Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You pole danced in your parka.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
