I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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