and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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