I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
