new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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