i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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