AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
