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I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
