the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
