I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
