I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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