Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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