you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
