I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
