this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
