I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Randomize
