Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
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